The pain of leaving
by Rehlein
Summary: Adam is leaving the Ponderosa to go to college. Feelings and thoughts on him leaving.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but I came up with the story.

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><p>Little Joe was lying in bed, waiting. Today was Adams last day at home. He was going away to college tomorrow, leaving the Ponderosa and leaving Joe. At least that was what it felt like to him. He didn't always get along well with his older brother, who seemed to know everything better, but he knew he could count on him when it was important. When Little Joe had started school last month and the other boys had teased him about being the smallest boy there, Adam had pointed out, that he might be smaller than the others, but he could outrun them all. Adam had taught Little Joe how to throw a fishing line and how to knot the tightest knots in the world. He had read him bedtime stories and taught him how to swim in the lake. And now he was going away. Joe felt the tears coming and blinked rapidly to stop himself from crying. He had cried himself to sleep every night for the last week and he didn't want to do it again tonight. He had to stay awake till Adam went to bed. But Adam was still up, with Hoss and with Pa and Maman and Joe could hear them talking.<p>

Maman went to bed first. She always checked on Joe, so he feigned sleep and she lightly kissed him on the forehead and slipped out of the room again. A little while later he heard Hoss coming down the hall to the room they shared. Joe closed his eyes and pretended to sleep again. Hoss undressed quietly and went to bed. Little Joe lay very still till he heard his brothers breath becoming slower. He was so tired but he had to stay awake. He could not light the lamp or Hoss would wake up and tell him to go to sleep, so he sat up in bed and threw away the blankets. It was rather cold in the room but as long as he was uncomfortable he wasn't going to fall asleep.

Finally he heard Pa and Adam getting up, checking the blinds of the windows and coming down the hall. He heard Pa saying "Goodnight my son." in his deep, gravelly voice and Adam answering "Goodnight, Pa." Of late it had usually been Adam and Pa, who had stayed up longest. It had been a good feeling, lying in bed and hearing their voices, knowing that all was well. Joe could not imagine what it would feel like, when Adam was away. He screwed up his face against the pain that welled up inside him and pressed his face against his knees. Why did he have to go? Why so far away? And how could he leave Joe? Joe, who needed him here? It was not, that he didn't love Hoss as much as Adam. Hoss was always kind and gentle and much more patient with Joe than his older brother. He was never cross with him and would good naturedly play along in Joes schemes. But it was Adam that Joe looked up to, the one he went to when he had a problem or a question. And he always knew the answers. Exactly why Adam had to go to a school was something Joe didn't understand. He already was the smartest person Joe knew. Maybe he just wanted to get away from them? Or maybe just from him? Because Adam wanted to be alone often and sometimes he would sent Joe away. But not this last week. He had been very nice to Joe this last week. So maybe he wasn't leaving because of him? He had to talk to Adam and to ask him.

Joe listened. All was quiet. Pa and Maman were no longer talking. Hoss was breathing slowly and deeply. The house around him creaked as it always did at night. Joe slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the door. He slid out of the room, creped to Adams room and opened his door. "Adam?" whispered Joe.

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><p>Please r&amp;r. I'm planning more chapters, please let me know if you like it so far.<p>

I'm not a native speaker of english, so if you see mistakes of whatever kind, point them out to me. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews! Sorry for the long time it took me to update, but I'll be faster with the next chapters.

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><p>Hoss heard Little Joe getting up and leaving the room. He knew his brother hadn't been asleep. Joe never lay so still, he usually turned 180° degrees in his sleep and ended up with his feet on his pillow. Hoss understood why Joe was still up. He couldn't sleep as well, he was thinking of Adam. Somehow it had only really sunken in this evening that his older brother was actually leaving tomorrow morning. Adam had been quieter and more serious than ever and had walked around the house as if he tried to memorize every little thing in it. Everybody had been strange in the last days. Maman had fussed about Adam's clothes, mending them and helping him pack his stuff. Pa had given Adam's chores to one of the older ranch hands and taken him on a trip around the Ponderosa. Little Joe had been agitated, trying to follow Adam around and at night he had cried silently. Hoss knew Joe didn't want him to know that, because when he wanted to be comforted he would draw attention to himself.<p>

Hoss felt helpless. He couldn't help Maman, because he couldn't sew. He couldn't help Pa because even if he was almost as tall and strong as Adam, he couldn't do math nearly as well him and he was nowhere near as smart as him. And he couldn't help Little Joe because when he thought about Adam leaving he felt like crying, too. Hoss didn't like feeling helpless. He had always been strong and Adam had always told him what to do with his strength.

As he turned to his side he glanced over to the window. The moon had risen and threw sharp shadows on the curtains. When he had been younger he had been afraid of the strange shapes but Adam had explained to him how the light of the moon made the shadows with the trees. And Adam had told him about his Ma. Hoss could not remember much of his real mother. But Adam had told him stories and he had sung him the song that Ma had sung. And he had stroked his head and called him his "Lille Gullebarn" just as his Ma had done. His older brother had always looked out for him and told him what to do. When they had come out to the west, their Pa had much work and not much time for the two boys. And so Adam had taken care of his younger brother. He had woken him up in the morning and put him to bed at night, he had watched him play and sleep, and he had taught Hoss how to read and write and do math. When they finally settled and Hoss came to school, he was ahead of all the children his age and Pa had been very proud of his smart sons.

Hoss didn't want Adam to leave but he understood that he had to go. He was smart and he needed to be with other smart people to help him learn important things. If only Hoss was smarter, so that he could go away with Adam and learn more things, too.

He listened. In the next room his brothers were whispering. Adam was going to leave them for a long time and Hoss wanted to spend his remaining time with him. He got up and tiptoed out of the room to Adam's door. "Adam? Joe?" he breathed.

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><p>Just to clarify, Maman is Joe's mother Marie. Since she is a cajun from New Orleans and speaks french, I assume she would be referd to as "maman" which is french for mum.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Adam said goodnight to Pa and went to his room. He took his time undressing and getting into bed because he dreaded lying in bed with nothing to do but wait and think. Looking around the room he tried to find something to do. But there was nothing to do. His things were packed, everything was ready for him leaving tomorrow. He knew he should get some sleep because the next days and weeks were going to be very trying. With a sigh he blew out his lamp and lay down.  
>The knot in his stomach tightened. Never in his life had he been so afraid. He felt the panic rising. What had he been thinking? Going away alone and leaving his family behind? What were they going to do without him? Pa was relying on him. Of course he had a foreman and some very experienced ranch hands and they could easily do all the work Adam used to do. But he liked the responsibilities Pa had started giving him. But he also wanted to learn other things, things Pa could not teach him. And he wanted to travel again. He was feeling restless. So much of his life he had spent travelling. Before the family had settled on the Ponderosa Adam had never lived much longer than a year in one place. Now this was his home and everybody he loved was going to stay behind and they would not come with him on this adventure. He would miss Pa and his calm way of teaching him. He would miss Maman. She could never replace Hoss' Ma, who was the first Ma he had known and whom he had loved so much, but she was kind and obviously cared for him and he liked her very much. And he would miss Hoss and Little Joe. Big and clumsy Hoss, who cared for every living thing and who was so gentle, patient, friendly and optimistic. And Joe, who could never sit still, who was always smiling and joking and who could light up the darkest corners of Adams mind. He wanted to leave and not leave at the same time. One minute he was feeling excited, the next minute he was afraid and sad. This confusion didn't feel good, he felt sick and anxious.<p>

Adam heard feet tapping down the hall and then his door creaked opened. "Adam?" whispered Joe.

"Is something the matter, Little Joe?" Adam answered.

"I need to ask you something, Adam." breathed Joe.

"What is it?"

"Why are you leaving m….. us?"

He sounded so small and desperate, exactly as small and desperate as Adam felt. "Joe, I want to study and I can't do it here. I wish I could, but I have to go to a big city to go to college." Adam could see Joe's small outline in the open door. He was shivering and tried to rub one cold foot warm with the other. "Joe, you will catch your death of cold. Come here." He held up his blankets and Little Joe scuttled over to the bed, jumped onto it and cuddled up to Adam's warm body. He felt like a little piece of ice. It had been a while since he had come to sleep in Adam's bed. From the moment he had learned to walk he had come almost every night, but less and less as he had gotten older. Adam felt Joe shivering and put his arms around his brother, holding him tight to his own warm chest.

"So, you are not leaving because I annoy you?" whispered Joe.

Adam shook his head. "No! I don't want to leave you and Hoss and Pa and Maman. I love all of you. And I wish I could take you all with me. You know, I actually am a little bit afraid." Saying this out loud for the first time had a curious effect on Adam. The panic he had been feeling all day seemed to lessen a bit.

Joe on the other hand seemed stunned. He was silent for a while and then said "But you are always so brave. What are you afraid of?"

"I am afraid that I am going to be lonely. And I am afraid of missing you. I don't want to be sad, but I know I am going to be." It felt good to finally confide his feelings to someone. Joe had stopped shivering and lay still in his arms. He was so small and skinny, just like a little bird.

"I am going to miss you so much, Adam", said the boy. Adam felt tears pricking in his eyes and hugged him silently. He cleared his throat to answer when Hoss' voice came from the door. "Adam? Joe?" he asked.

"Come in and close the door, it's draughty." beckoned Adam.

Hoss closed the door, came over to the bed and crawled under the blankets, too. "I heard you talking so I came over, too. I'm sure gonna miss you." he said simply.

"I am going to miss you, too." answered Adam who felt a lump in his throat. "I'm going to write to you as often as I can."

"An' we'll write back." Hoss grumbled.

"But I can only read and write a few words." sniffed Joe.

As always Hoss volunteered to help his little brother. "I'll write for you and help you read. Adam taught me and I'll teach you and you'll get really good soon." he said.

Adam couldn't help it. He felt a few tears trickling out of the corners of his eyes and was glad it was dark. "Promise you'll write a lot?" he asked.

"Promise." both of his brothers answered. They fell silent and just lay in the dark. Adam was warm and tired and so much calmer. He felt Joe's breath on his neck and his little hand on his arm and he heard Hoss starting to snore. Little Joe was breathing slow and steady and in time with Hoss. Adam could feel his heart beat and without consciously meaning to do it he started counting the beats. It felt oddly comforting. His own breath fell into rhythm with Joe's and Hoss' and he felt himself drifting off to sleep.

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><p>Thanks for the kind reviews, I'm glad you are enjoying my story.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks again for the reviews, I edited Chapter three and I hope the legibility is now enhanced a bit. :)

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><p>It was still very early, the sun had just started to rise, but Ben could not sleep any longer. He had been lying awake last night, listening to his sons whispering and hoping they would have enough sense to let Adam get at least some hours rest before the morning. When he had finally fallen asleep his dreams had been troubled and he had woken several times during the night. Ben felt still tired but he got up, put on a dressing gown and quietly went over to Adam's room. He entered and walked over to his eldest son's bed, not to wake him but look at him. He wanted just one undisturbed moment with his child that was not so much a child any more but a young man. Ben stopped at the foot of the bed and then he just stood there watching his sons.<p>

Adam had buried his face in his little brother's silky curls and held him tight in his arms. Joe was wedged in between his two brothers, curled up against Adam. One of his small fists held tight to the sleeve of his nightshirt. Hoss was lying on his left side with his back to his brothers, almost crushing Joe under him, his head turned right, as if he was listening to a conversation they held behind him. His right arm was lying over Joe and Adam, almost as if he had flung himself in front of them in a protective gesture.

A mixture of feelings flooded Ben, love, sadness, laughter, anxiety, almost overwhelming him. They looked so small in that bed, even Adam who was almost a man and Hoss, already as tall as and much broader than him. How much they have grown since they were born, he thought. Joe was still small and wiry but no longer the tiny, delicate baby he had been. And you could almost watch Hoss growing, although his face was still so much like a child's, round and chubby, with his big blue eyes shining innocently. Adam looked so serious, even when he was sleeping. He had always been, even as a child. And now his son was going away alone. His child had grown and he was going to leave him. He had a long journey ahead of him and parts of it could become dangerous. What if something happened to him? And then he was going to live alone in a strange city, far away from his family. Could he let his son go? Wasn't it madness to let him go? But when Ben himself had left home he had been even younger than his son was now. He remembered the fear he had felt and the excitement. It had turned out good for him. Adam was so much more responsible than he had been at his age. And he was so bright and for a boy of his age he was remarkably mature. He was going to be alright. But Ben was going to miss him. Adam had started to grow into a man and Ben wished he could keep watching him grow. He had worked much when Adam was small and so he had missed a lot of his son's development, he had always been feeling sad and guilty about that. Now he had to let him go but he wished he could hold on just a little bit longer. Not only for his own sake but also for the sake of Joe and Hoss. He knew his sons were going to miss each other. They were so different but they cared for each other. Ben remembered how he had missed his own siblings and wished he could spare his sons the pain. But he also knew this pain was part of life and he couldn't and wouldn't keep them from living. In the end, even the pain that love caused was precious. This was something life had taught Ben.

He knew he would have to wake his sons soon. But it was still early and he wanted them to have a few more hours of time together, even if it they didn't spent it together consciously. He quietly left the room, his three sons sleeping peacefully together in one bed.

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><p>This is the last part of my story, thanks for following it! If you are a fan of Bonanza, there is a very active Forum called 'bonanzaboomers' which also has a great section for fanfiction. You might want to check that out. Hope to see you there and of course here. :)<p> 


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